Don't act like you don't!

As you grow up you begin to learn a few things about walking in big kid shoes – vanity, dignity and embarrassment – and how to become an everyday liar with big flaming pants.

I somehow failed to acquire the complete facets of these big kid qualities, frequently feeling like the odd one out, when I know everyone is simply lying to save face. This isn’t Japan people!

So I decided to compose a list of the top five lies we ALL tell to look like we are actually really really good people. So what do YOU lie about everyday:

1. Flossing. I went to the dentist and was told I need to floss. I went to work the next day to breach this topic, thinking we would all rise up in unison and agree it is just all in the too hard basket to play our teeth like violins each day. I was met with the following backlash “oh my god you don’t floss everyday!” Stop joking around, I know none of you without braces floss everyday – stop the lies!
2. Washing hands. I refuse to believe that in the comfort of one’s own home everyone washes their hands after number ones. Not possible. 
3. Nose picking. Don’t act like you don’t pick your nose. Just stop it now, you stick your fingers in every other hole don’t pretend this one is a prude. 
4. Peeing in the shower. Seinfeld brought this age old debate to light. “I saw a drain!” “Different pipes go to different places!” While Elaine is right, a little watered down wee is fine, it is basically cancelled out by all the soap you’re lathering up with. I know you wee wee in there. 
5. Wipe and throw. Ewww I don’t wipe my bum then look at it! Yes you do. Human’s are like my dog Harley – he knows his poo is gross and embarrassing but he always goes back for a peek! You poo peek. 

The biggest lies, as you may have noticed, centre around bodily functions because we are all pretty embarrassed by what our bodies leak, secrete, seep and project.

So stop pretending you don't do these things...I know you smell your farts.


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